Link at the Psychiatrist's!
by Eladard Kikur
Summary: Since us big bad Seniors don’t take the STAR test, I wrote this one–shot during my ROP and POD classes. Link winds up at a psychiatrist office because his friends think he’s a nutter. Sad thing is that “nutter” is an understatement to describe Link.


On a random day, Link was on a hot date with Zelda in the Lost Woods. Everything was perfect until a Wolfos met them. Acting heroically, Link slaughtered the seemingly evil beast. Instead of leaping into his arms and rewarding him with a kiss, Zelda screamed in horror.

"Don't worry, Zelda!" said Link. "It won't pose a threat to you anymore!"

Zelda whipped out her cell phone with Verizone In (and who doesn't have one?) and called another Verizone In member for free.

"Yes, he's getting worse! We need to do something!" gasped Zelda. She nodded a few times and said "Ok! We should do that! Uh-huh… well I'm glad you're so concerned about him too! Ok, bye!"

Later, the two legends were in Hyrule Castle Town. Ganondorf was at a bazaar when he decided to kidnap Zelda. He carried her off and Link gave chase. They headed to an office and Ganondorf ran into a room. Link followed them, then Ganondorf ran out. The door closed and Link was trapped in!

"I didn't think that poor lad would actually fall for this," said Ganondorf.

"I couldn't have you kidnap Link or he'll attack you!" said Zelda.

Link banged on the door, screaming and cursing in Hylian. Little did he know that it was a setup.

"Are you calm now, lad?" asked a strong, stereotypical Austrian accented voice.

"What the heck's going on here?" exclaimed Link.

"I am Dr. Scratchensniff und I am here to help you," said the weirdo little man. "Seet down und tell me vat eez troubling you."

"Nothing! I'm perfectly _fine_!" hollered Link.

"Oooh! Your friends tell me you have deesplayed unusual behaviors."

"My… WHAT? So _that's_ why they— GAH!" Link stomped around, fuming. Finally, he lied down on the couch.

The doctor took out a clipboard and sat down next to him. "Please tell me vhen zeesh begahn."

"Ok… it all started when I was 10. After I got my own fairy, I began to hear voices."

"Voices?" the doctor asked with concern.

"Yes, voices. Other than Navi's."

"Vat vas zee voice like? Vhere zhere more zhan von?"

"Just one. It was a female's voice and she'd tell me to do… things," Link mumbled.

The doctor scribbled down the information, then looked at Link for him to continue. "Vat kinda zheengs deed zee voice eenstruct you to do?"

Link shook his head slowly before responding. "She told me… to kill monsters, break into people's homes, steal things, light random sticks on fire, attack inanimate objects, just too much."

After jotting that down, the doctor wiped his face with a handkerchief. "Vat vas your childhood und adolescence like?"

"Like I said, I got my own fairy when I was 10."

"Fairies? You played vid fairies?" asked the doctor.

"Yessir. I was told by a talking tree to go see Zelda, then I killed monsters. I was told by the voice in my head to attack cuccos whenever I saw them. Time traveled to the future and past, back and forth, stole a horse. Shot at Gerudo guards. Broke things inside people's houses. Got stalked by a talking owl, met dancing scarecrows.

"When I was 11, I had to relive the same 3 days over and over again. Saved a town from the moon crashing into it within those 3 days. Changed into other people with the help of a mask.

"Lived with my grandma and lil' sister when I was 12. Broke vases that Sue-Belle carried on her head. Tortured pigs. Broke this rich guy's vases. Had a talking boat.

"Time-traveled and controlled the seasons when I was 13. Traveled between the Light and Dark Worlds when I was 14. Got turned into a fluffy pink bunny! Tortured cuccos! It's ALWAYS the cuccos! They haunt me, stalk me! I've died thousands of times! I also have a Mini-Me! WAH!"

The doctor wrote in a frenzy, then finally set his quill down. "Eet appears zat you are suffering from suppressed memory seendrome. Your mind makes peectures und sounds to cover up unwanted memories." He looked at Link's attire and asked "You believe you should be girl?"

"What? NO!" cried Link.

"You hear girl voice telling you to do things, you dress like girl," he said while pointing to Link's clothes.

"You think it's a skirt? It's part of the tunic!" Link yelled with rage.

"You dress und be like girl vhen 10 teel now, yet your brain makes up zheengs beecause you are ashamed."

"You're whack, doc!" cried Link.

"Zhere eest only von zheeng vee can do to help you…"

The doctor was with Zelda, Ganondorf, and all the other worried people in Link's life. "Don't vurry, Leenk eest een padded cell vid straight jackeet. He vill be here for years und getting treetment."

In the cell, Link was seething. He wanted to prove that he's not crazy.

"Stupid quack…" Link grumbled.

Link… jump up…

"Wha— No!" said Link.

Run into the wall…

"You can't make—" Link charged at the wall headfirst. Everyone peeked in to see Link in his psychotic state.

"I'm glad we intervened or else Link would harm himself!" said Ganondorf.

THE END


End file.
